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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 01 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 01 July 2008

I was in a hurry. I was drivin...

I was in a hurry. I was driving like a maniac, running lights, driving on the sidewalk, and cutting people off.

I had just cut in front of this guy when he yelled "You …….! If I were a cop I'd give you a ticket!"

I yelled back "You Idiot, if you were a cop I wouldn't be driving like this!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

"So I got home, and the p...

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"
#joke #short
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #113 - Funny Photo Slideshow

What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (8)

How do you get five donkeys to...

How do you get five donkeys to fit into a fire engine?
Two in the front, two in the back and one on the roof going EE-AW-EE-AW.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Everybody on earth dies ...

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (9)

Here's another bumper sticker:...

Here's another bumper sticker: "If this car is being driven safely, call the cops -- it's been stolen!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

Where Is This Bus Going?


A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

Blonde builder

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

#joke #blonde
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Drunk at Your Door

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

When people walk away

When people walk away, let them. Your future is not about people who walk away, it's about people who stay in it for the ride.
#joke #short
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (9)

Casino Money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

#joke
  • Currently 7.31/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (13)

I eat cake

I because it's somebody's somewhere.
#joke
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

The teacher noticed that Johnn...

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been day dreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention."Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? "Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A lady goes to the doctor and...

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.65/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

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