I was in a hurry. I was drivin...I was in a hurry. I was driving like a maniac, running lights, driving on the sidewalk, and cutting people off.
I had just cut in front of this guy when he yelled "You Ã‚Â…Ã‚Â….! If I were a cop I'd give you a ticket!"
I yelled back "You Idiot, if you were a cop I wouldn't be driving like this!"
"So I got home, and the p..."So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
What would you like for your birthday....
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
How do you get five donkeys to...How do you get five donkeys to fit into a fire engine?
Everybody on earth dies ...
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Here's another bumper sticker:...Here's another bumper sticker: "If this car is being driven safely, call the cops -- it's been stolen!"
Poke your fingers in my eyes...
Where Is This Bus Going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Blonde builderAn Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
Drunk at Your DoorA man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."