Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 July 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 July 2008 |
The Horney Rooster
... The Horney Rooster
A farmer looses his prize stud rooster just when he needs his hens fertilized most for some new chicks. He looks all over the county for a new stud rooster and finally finds one about to be killed at the slaughter house.
The butcher says, "No you don't want this one he's too horny."
The farmer says, "Perfect I'll take him." He turns the rooster loose in the hen house and hears nothing but squawking hens all day. He's eating supper and hears the ducks starting to quack loudly on the pond. He's getting ready for bed and hears the cows bellowing in the barn.
The next morning he wakes up to the sound of the pigs squealing. So he locks his wife and daughter in the house so the rooster won't get them, walks outside and finds the rooster laying exhausted and dehydrated in the driveway with buzzards circling overhead.
He walks to the rooster and says, "Gol-dang it rooster if you'd have paced yourself, you could have had the run of this place for years" The rooster looks at him with one eye cocked open, points to the buzzards and whispers, "Shhhhhh. They're about ready to land, Shhh.”
A newly married couple returne...
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked."Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Obviously inebriated?
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"
Mary asked her husband to take...
Mary asked her husband to take her somewhere expensive.This penguin was driving...
This penguin was driving and his car broke down, so he brought it to a shop and the mechanic was like, you can go hang out in town while I fix this...so the penguin went to get an ice cream cone because it was really hot out, but the ice cream dripped all over him. so he goes back to the mechanic who tells him "well, it looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin said "no-it's just ice cream"
What she Really Means...
What she Really Means
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
How many software engineers do...
How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just define darkness as a new industry standard!You Might Be A Redneck If 10
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Astrology
I don't believe in astrology...I'm a Sagittarian and we're
skeptical.
- Charles Schultz
Eagles and Weasels
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Got used to sharing everything
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "The teeth."
New broom...
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."
Inside Joke
My mate recently got divorced from his wife.
They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.