Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 July 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
John's on a business trip with...
John's on a business trip with Bill, a co-worker that never shuts up. John keeps trying to catch a few winks on the plane but Bill keeps asking him to play a "game" with him. John finally realizes he's not gonna get Bill to shut up until he plays so he says, "Okay, what's the game?."Bill says, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5 dollars, then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I give you 5 dollars back."
John says no and turns back over to get some sleep. Bill says he'll make it more interesting and up John's payback to 50 bucks in the event Bill doesn't know the answer. John agrees. Bill asks, "How far is the moon from the sun?." John just pulls out his wallet and hands Bill 5 bucks.
Bill says, "Okay, now it's your turn!." John thinks for a second and asks, "What has 3 legs going up one side of a hill and 4 legs coming down the other?." Bill is stumped. He checks his laptop computer, makes a few calls on the Air-Telephone then returns and hands John 50 bucks. John then rolls over to go back to sleep. Bill finally says, "I give up! What's the answer?." John just reaches into his wallet and hands Bill another five bucks.
Man walks into the Doctors off...
Man walks into the Doctors office."I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live"
"Ten" replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"
Skip a Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
How do mad people go through t...
How do mad people go through the forest?One day a man spotted a ...
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Ala kazam, shazza and dazza, mumble fumble, something by fazza!" said the genie. "Aha, there we are. You're a housewife."
Computer company chief to prog...
Computer company chief to programmer: "Okay, go ahead and start writing the program code, while I go find out what the customers want."This Wife Is Too Jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
q If Tarzan and Jane were fro...
q If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would Cheetah be?A. Pregnant.
Refrigerator Man
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
Some people don't like me
I realize that some people don't like me. I also realize that i don't give a minions ass. Little Pete came home from the...
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020
The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.
1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas
2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled
4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity
5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen
6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you
7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn
8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have
9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread
10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone
11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail
12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace
13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve
14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat
15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs
16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out
17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute
18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook
19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford
20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery
Politicians are like sperm ...
Politicians are like sperm ... One in a million turns out to be Human! How was your game, dear?
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."