Next time someone asks you if ...Next time someone asks you if they can "sneak by you," ask them how the hell they plan to do that when you know they are going by.
Tell them that next time they should not warn you, and maybe, just maybe, they could sneak by.
Two clergy persons are on an a...Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.
After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"
The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?"
"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."
The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
Sign of the times...A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'
"When I was 16, I hoped ...
"When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
"When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
"In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
"When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
"When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
"When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
"I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big appendage."
Which motor vehicle figured pr...Which motor vehicle figured prominently in the Bible? Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Angry Drivers Meet
In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.
As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.
They angrily look one at the other.
Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.
The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"
Find the right combination
One godWhat's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one god.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Supermarket MotherA young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.