Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 July 2008

Next time someone asks you if ...

Next time someone asks you if they can "sneak by you," ask them how the hell they plan to do that when you know they are going by.

Tell them that next time they should not warn you, and maybe, just maybe, they could sneak by.

Two clergy persons are on an a...

Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.

After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"

The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."

The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?"

"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."

The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."

The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."

The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.

A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"

Sign of the times...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

"When I was 16, I hoped ...

"When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

"When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

"In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

"When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

"When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

"When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

"I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big appendage."

Which motor vehicle figured pr...

Which motor vehicle figured prominently in the Bible? Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Angry Drivers Meet

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

One god

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A nun only serves one god.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by yisman

Supermarket Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

An Irish Girl comes back home...

An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Before going to Europe on busi...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Marketing Translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Strong Medicine for the Nun

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

The preacher's Sunday sermon...

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"

Honey, has anyone ever told you....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

I have learned

As i have grown up older,I have learned pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.