Jokes of the day for Thursday, 24 July 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 24 July 2008 |
"I'm surprised Dick ...
"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." -- Jay LenoPopping the question....
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.
One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"
The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
A man goes to the ironmonger t...
A man goes to the ironmonger to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks: "Is this stuff good for beetles?"A man moves into a nudis...
A man moves into a n*dist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a n*dist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your nose look short."
Love, Grandma Fratzke
Why do bees hum? Because they ...
Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.Yo Mama So Ugly
yo mama even canibals are afeaid of here.Birdie Poem
Birdie, birdie in the skyDropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.""That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Makin' babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Color Me Purple
I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple
Landlord Problems Through the Ages
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art.
Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.
At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. 'Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.'
'Oh my, 'the grandmother says.
'He and I must have the same landlord.'
I hate it when people
I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?”, and i'm like : “No, not at all, we shit in the yard .” Once upon a time Dracula decid...
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".