Seen in ...Seen in real CVs:
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"Interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
Sherlock Holmes in Heaven
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal."
"Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."
LiarsA Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”
About half the class rose and came forward.
“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no
Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”
This guy and a blonde are maki...This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car.
After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"
She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"
To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
So I rang up BT and said: "I w...So I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller". He said: "Not you again".
Calculate the number 1281
What do you call
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapuss.
Once upon a time ther...
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello, we're down here..."
Why do ghosts ride on elevator...Why do ghosts ride on elevators? To raise their spirits!
Knock Knock Collection 183
Usher wish you would let me in!
Uta sight, uta mind!
Utah told me to knock!
Utica the high road and I'll take the low road!
You might be a redneck if 30You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
Huge PauseA bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"
The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"
The bear says, "I've had them all my life."