Ten reas...Ten reasons why alcohol should be served at work:
1 It's an incentive to show up.
2 It encourages car sharing.
3 Increases job satisfaction because you don't care.
4 It makes fellow employees look better.
5 It makes the canteen food taste a lot better.
6 It reduces stress.
7 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
8 You tell management what you think, not what they want to hear.
9 Burping during meetings isn't so embarrassing.
10 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises.
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Two elderly men Sam and Arthur...Two elderly men Sam and Arthur, avid bridge players get some bad news Arthur is dying. Sam says to Arthur, please Arthur when you get to heaven somehow send me a message and let me know if there's any bridge up there. Arthur says he'll try.
Arthur passes away and a week goes by, not a word. Then suddenly Sam gets the call. "Sam" Arthur says, there's good news and bad news. The good news is there's a duplicate on Tuesday, the bad news is you're playing.
A guy blows a stop sign in Phi...A guy blows a stop sign in Philly and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Okay, exit your vehicle sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his Night Stick and starts beating the crap out of the guy and says, "Now sir, do you want me to slow down or stop?"
Mom, what's sex?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Did you hear about the lonely ...Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
Calculate the number 3577
The tribal wisdom of the...
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Can be as useful as a saddle when it comes to protecting your ass)
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. (but the competition for positions is fierce).
What's the best way to jog you...What's the best way to jog your memory? Take your laptop out for a morning run.
New York Crazy Law
Jonny Is OffOne day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Senate SlanderA member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"