Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 August 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 August 2008 |
Ten rea...
Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:1 It reduces complaints about low pay.
2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.
4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.
5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.
6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.
7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.
9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.
10 It leads to more honest communications.
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
God's true name is unpronounceable...because God is Welsh
A Hillbilly was involved in an...
A Hillbilly was involved in an accident.The Trooper asked him, "Didn't you see that yield sign when you were merging onto the highway?"
The Hillbilly replied, "Ahh sure I did...and I did it...yup, I Yieeeld and Yieeeld at that there truck and he justa kepp on comin'!!!"
President Bush can't find...
President Bush can't find WMD in Iraq, and can't do anything about gas prices, so he's come out for "Intelligent Design".I guess that shows that religion, not patriotism, is the last refuge of a politician.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
A woman was walking alon...
A woman was walking along the sand on the NSW Central Coast, when she stumbled upon an old brass lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a genie.
The genie said, "Hey Girl, waassup?"
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. "Nope, just one wish. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So..what'll it be?"
Unhesitatingly, the woman said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other, now and forever."
The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Girrrll, I don't think so, not in my lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm GOOD Honey, but not THAT GOOD. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."
The woman's thought for a moment and said, "Well, I've never been able to find 'Mr. Right'. You know, a man who's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex with me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, loves to travel, goes to the theatre, likes to cook and help with the housecleaning, gets along with my family and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That's what I wish for...the perfect guy to have as my lover."
The genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "let me see that map again".
Bee Jokes 05
Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on!
Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: Where do bees keep their money?
A: In a honey box!
Q: What TV station do bees watch?
A: Bee bee c one!
Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?
A: Bee-hive yourself!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Beacuse of the honey combs!
Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?
A: A bee is an aeroplane!
Good enuf
Hillbilly father talking to his newlywed son: How's yer new bride?Son: I had to kill her, Pa. She was a virgin.
Dad: Yew done tha right thang, son. If she weren't good enuf fer her own kin, then she ain't good enuf fer ours!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Baseball Heaven?
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
When the wise company presiden...
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking upon no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
Russian Military Strategy
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, 'Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, 'Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, 'All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, 'General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, 'Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?
Big Thanks to Joseph Pontarelli for sharing
An elderly couple had been exp...
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Two old married men chatting i...
Two old married men chatting in a bar. First man says, "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?"
The second man replied, "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery."
Drinking again
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."