Problem...Problems of working abroad
Three unfortunate contractors find themselves stuck in a Gulf prison. One starts to pick away at the cement between two blocks of concrete. To his surprise he spots something shining. It turns out to be a tiny brass lamp. He brushes away the dirt and suddenly a cloud of red smoke appears from the spoat. As the smoke clears a big genie floats before them.
"Thanks guys! You've freed me from that miserable lamp and as you probably already know, we genies can grant three wishes. But only three wishes. Ok, let's get on with it."
The three prisoners have a quick discussion but it's obvious that since there are three of them and three wishes they should simply have one wish each.
First prisoner, "Genie, I wish I had never left my old job in Manchester and that I was still there." Wooosh! He disappeared.
The second prisoner steps forward eagerly, "Genie, I too wish I had never left my old job in Birmingham and that I was still working there." Wooosh! He also disappeared.
The last guy stood pondering, "Genie, I'm not so sure about going straight back to my old job in London. Should I go to see my mum or to my girlfriend's flat. I wish my two mates were still here to help me decide." .... Wooosh! Wooosh!
A Golfer's Deal With the Devil
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.
A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle."
"You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."
"OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"
People are like plants -
People are like plants -
some go to seed with age, and others go to pot.
Sounds more like a nightmare...
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."
The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."
So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
How do you make a Swiss roll?<...How do you make a Swiss roll?
Guess the Band Name
A cabbie picks up a Nun....
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well" the Cab driver replies, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single, and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
What's the difference between ...What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
Business One-liners 86
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
With aQ: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!