Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 August 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 August 2008
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (132)

Steve, ...

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working one day on a very high scaffolding when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you
a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you
Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 6.64/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (11)

The Israeli Archaeologist


An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

There was a Texan, a Dutchman ...

There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it.

The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!"

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Pete and Dud have been serious...

Pete and Dud have been seriously drinking and on the way home from the pub they have to go for a pee in the bushes. Whilst relieving themselves Pete says "I wish I had a dick like my mate Winston that I could hold with four fingers."

Dud says "But you are holding it with four fingers?"

Pete says "Yeah, but I'm pissing on three of them".
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

What day is it?

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

A monkey is sitting in a...

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

What familiar word starts wi...

What familiar word starts with IS, ends with AND, and has LA in the middle?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

How do you find Ronald McDonal...

How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's the one with sesame seed buns!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Knock Knock Collection 122


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Manuel!

Manuel who?

Manuel be sorry if you don't open this door!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mao!

Mao who?

Mao'th of babes!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mara!

Mara who?

Mara mara on the wall....!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Marcella!

Marcella who?

Marcella is full of water and I'm drowning, help!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Marcia!

Marcia who?

Marcia glad I stopped by!





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Heads or tails

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

it turns out that a several pr...

it turns out that a several protected, rare birds in Germany have been feeding on a species of protected, rare fish. In response to this dilemma, exasperated German officials have decided to do the only thing that makes sense in this kind of a situation - kill all the environmentalists.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

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