Things t...Things to say to the boss to get you fired:
"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."
"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?"
"Who me? I just wander from room to room."
"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me."
"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"Earth is full, go home!"
"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?"
"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
The Popeâ€™s Surprise
Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"
At last; a cause that I can really support!‘Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.Â There are those who wake up in the morning and say, *'Good morning, Lord,'*and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,Â *'Good Lord, it's morning.'
A duck walks into a drugstore ...A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist "gee, can you help me out. I need to buy some prophylactics but I forgot my wallet."
The Pharmacist replies "no problem, I'll just put them on your bill."
The Duck responds "gee Doc, that is not the way I planned to use them!"
"Cos it's strange, i..."Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
The secret of my success...
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Calculate the number 799
There are two cowboys in a kit...There are two cowboys in a kitchen, which is the real one?
Max Thomas, Abbeyhill
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