Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 August 2008

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Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.

He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

At last; a cause that I can really support!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weeend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
‘Reverend,' said the young man, ‘I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, ‘I know what you mean. *It's the same in my
business.'

An executive was attempting to...

An executive was attempting to do some menial office work himself. His assistant found him standing in front of the office shredder holding a piece of paper with a puzzled look on his face.

"Can I help you?" the assistant asked.

"I'm having trouble, I'll have to admit," replied the executive.

"Here let me show you." said the assistant, and he took the piece of paper, placed it in the feed chute and pressed the red 'ON' button. The shredder hummed and sucked in the piece of paper.

"Wow! I'm embarrassed. That's pretty easy," the executive exclaimed. "Oh, and I just need one copy."

On the first day of Spring Tra...

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

Annual physical...

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

A television licence detector ...

A television licence detector calls at a house in Leith and asks to see the licence. But the wee woman is in an awful hurry to catch her bus. As she flies down the stairs she shouts back: "A've got my licence. It's on the mantelpiece under the Wally Dug. Call back when my man's in and he will show you."

A blonde pushes her BMW ...

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She approaches the mechanic and tells him her car just died.

The mechanic spends a few minutes working on the car and gets it working smoothly again.

The blond looks at the mechanic and says, "So, what's the story?"

The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

In a state of amazement she answers, "How often do I have to do that?"

How do you define "subdued"? T...

How do you define "subdued"? That's, like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man!

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.


Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.


Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.


Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.


Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.


Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.


Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Alamo

Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to capture the Alamo?

So they could have four clean walls to write on.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Shirts Off

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

an explorer in the deepest Ama...

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"