Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 September 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 September 2008
  • Currently 9.47/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (138)

Home for the Holidays


Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

A Canadian preacher was preocc...

A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'

*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (12)

What is Hell?

One day...

What is Hell?

One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.

The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."

The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."

The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

"While speaking to conser...

"While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life." -- Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.57/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (7)

Where does Quasimodo keep his ...

Where does Quasimodo keep his pet rabbit?
In a hutch, back of Notre Dame

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Guess the Band Name

Which musician band has an album with a cover as in the picture?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A little girl asked her ...

A little girl asked her mum if she could take her dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she's on heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you."

Dad replies, "Bring Fluffy over here darling."

Dad take a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubs the dog's backside with it and says, "Okay darling, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl leaves, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asks, "Darling, where's Fluffy?

The little girl replies, "Daddy, she ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (5)

Did you hear about the career-...

Did you hear about the career-conscious call girl? She was able to find a better-paying position.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Humor About Senior Citizens


OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up

OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references

OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out

OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it





#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Nursery rhyme

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

on their 50th wedding annivers...

on their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

The doct...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 July 2008
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (33)

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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (40)

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