Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 September 2008

A Priest and a Doctor Were Golfing…

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.

"Don't use the Lord God’s name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."

The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.

Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, "Dammit, I missed."

During class, the chemistry pr...

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I am dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

No, Sir, a student called out.

No? queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin will not dissolve."

"Because if it did, you would not have dropped it in!" replied the student.

The top ten reasons nipple rin...

The top ten reasons nipple rings for women are a BAD idea:

#10. Pesky delays at airport security scanners.

#9. Potential law suits from elderly people with pacemakers looking for an easy buck.

#8. Your minister asks to see the "ring" and in a blonde moment you show him.

#7. For some reason, a simple comb now seems like a real threat.

#6. Mud wrestling as an occupation is no longer an option.

#5. Cats and babies are attracted to shiny things.

#4. You may now have to deal with Velcro nightmares.

#3. The aging process begins to take on a whole new meaning.

#2. Skinny dipping may be a challenge because of artificial lures.

#1. Lightning is not just something that happens to other people anymore.

TheDub is a regular visitor...

TheDub is a regular visitor to our chat room. He sent me the following email, surrounding the Psystar / Apple legal issues.

I am curious to find out what everyone's opinions are on the Psystar Open Computers, which come with OS X Leopard installed on them. For those who don't know, Apple has filed a lawsuit against Psystar, claiming EULA violations. However, Psystar is counter-suing Apple, claiming various Anti-Trust violations.

I am torn, and can see both points of view. This could possibly be a history-making case. While the argument can be made that OS X is a product of Apple, and should only be run on Apple hardware… it's also fair to see Psystar's point of view. Psystar says that since OS X runs on “beige box PCs” without a modified Kernel, then OS X is obviously capable of running on non-Apple hardware.
It's possible Apple could lose in the counter-suit. If so, Apple will have to allow OS X to run on non-Apple hardware. Apple wouldn't have to support every piece of hardware under the Sun. But, think about a future where manufacturers like Dell roll out a few models which include OS X as their operating system. I cannot think of a negative consequence of letting other OEMs build and sell OS X machines. Apple's hardware sales will not go down, because Apple makes seriously impressive and high-quality machines. However, they stand to gain a lot in terms of incoming revenue with this.

This could also prove healthy for both sides of the coin. Right now, Windows has no real competition, since most computers only have that as their option. Linux is out there, yes. But let's face it, it's not becoming ‘mainstream' very fast. If OS X were a viable option for all PCs, Windows could have a serious issue. They'd have to focus even more energy on creating Windows 7. OS X would also gain market share in a huge hurry.

I didn't mean to ramble on, but those are my thoughts on the matter. I know that I will be personally watching this whole thing unfold very closely. I think the odds are against Apple on this one. Can you imagine if Microsoft hard-coded Windows to not run on an Apple machine, or in a Virtual Machine? Microsoft would be immediately slapped with lawsuits. Apple might be forced to open their doors just a bit.

TheDub brings up some very interesting points, and gives us much to think about. What are your thoughts? Do you think Psystar is on the right track, and that Apple should/will have to open up the use of OS X on non-Apple hardware? Or is it all a bunch of hogwash, and Apple can continue doing what they like with their software?

Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

A pie walks into a pub and ask...

A pie walks into a pub and asks for a pint and some crisps. "Sorry," the barman replies, "We dont serve food."

Jack decided to go skiin...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything".

My wife isn’t very good in th...

My wife isn’t very good in the kitchen. Last time she cooked she burned the salad.

The Cesium Song 12

Seventy Six Neutrons

(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)


Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,

Half a hundred and ten bold protons...


Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.

Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...


Seventy Eight Neutrons

(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)


Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,

Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.

And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,

All but one, the singular miss Six S.


Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,

Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.

And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,

From within a shining quantum cloud.


There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,

Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.

'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,

And miss Six S got in a great big mess.


Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,

Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.

There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,

And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.


--- Songs of Cesium #76

Dreaming

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

What do men dream of?

Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

a sweet young thing took...

a sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"

Incontinent Vegetarian

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

A Canadian preacher was preocc...

A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'

*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*

Ten reas...

Ten reasons why alcohol should be served at work:

1 It's an incentive to show up.

2 It encourages car sharing.

3 Increases job satisfaction because you don't care.

4 It makes fellow employees look better.

5 It makes the canteen food taste a lot better.

6 It reduces stress.

7 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

8 You tell management what you think, not what they want to hear.

9 Burping during meetings isn't so embarrassing.

10 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises.

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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.