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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 September 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 September 2008
  • Currently 9.48/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (111)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:


"If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (13)

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."
#joke #friday
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 7.88/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (16)

Whatever women do they must do...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
--Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
--Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
--Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
--David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
--Samuel Butler
#joke
  • Currently 7.40/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (5)

Anagrams

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

#joke
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

What do you call a boomerang t...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Australian Medical Assoc...

Australian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky, and the women lay better.

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

FLEX WORDLE

FLEX WORDLE Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

What do you do when the barten...

What do you do when the bartender advises you to have a margarita? Take it with a grain of salt.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Solving a dispute

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

#joke #lawyer
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

there was this hooker named Ju...

there was this hooker named Judi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

#joke
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 6.08/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (12)

Railroad Redneck

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (6)

The Cesium Song 12


Seventy Six Neutrons

(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)


Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,

Half a hundred and ten bold protons...


Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.

Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...


Seventy Eight Neutrons

(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)


Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,

Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.

And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,

All but one, the singular miss Six S.


Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,

Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.

And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,

From within a shining quantum cloud.


There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,

Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.

'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,

And miss Six S got in a great big mess.


Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,

Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.

There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,

And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.


--- Songs of Cesium #76





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

A Canadian preacher was preocc...

A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'

*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

Ten rea...

Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:

1 It reduces complaints about low pay.

2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.

4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.

5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.

6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.

7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.

9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.

10 It leads to more honest communications.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 August 2008
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 5.04/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (52)

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