JOKES OF THE DAY

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

Rural Australian Thesaurus of Computer Termonology

* Log On - Make the BBQ hotter

* Log off - the BBQ is too hot

* Monitor - keeping an eye on the BBQ

* Download - Gettin the firewood off the back of the ute

* Hard Drive - Trip back from town without any cold tinnies

* Floppy disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at one time

* Keyboaard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

* Window - What you shut when it's cold

* Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

* Byte - What mosquitos do

* Bit - What mosquitos did

* Mega Byte - What Newcastle Hunter River mosquitos do

* Chip - A bar snack

* Micro chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten all the chips

* Modem - What you did to the lawns

* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

* Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

* Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

* Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart

* Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

* Mainframe - What hold the shed up

* Web - What spiders make

* Web Site - The shed under the verandah

* Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot

* Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

* Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

* Upgrade - A steep hill

* Server - The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

* Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

* User - The neighbour that keeps borrowing things

* Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

* Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

* Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

* Online - When you get the laundry hung out

* Off Line - When the pegs wont hold the washing up

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

Because they can understand them.

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — \$70,000.
Three for \$200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra \$20."