A Shipwreckâ€™s Synagogue
After many years shipwrecked on a desert island, Kaplan is rescued by a passing ship. Before leaving for home, he shows the shipâ€™s Captain around the island. He points out the house he built from twigs and rocks and the vegetable garden he built to provide food. He then takes the Captain to the waterâ€™s edge and shows him the lovely synagogue he built."If this is the synagogue, then whatâ€™s that building over there?" the Captain asks.
Kaplan explains, "This is the synagogue that I go to. And that, thatâ€™s the synagogue I wouldnâ€™t be caught dead in."
A guy was running for an eleva...A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"
She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.
As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going.
He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".
The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?
The blonde responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."
Learning by example...
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."
"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
What do you call a brown pigeo...What do you call a brown pigeon?
The Correct Way to Come ...
The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!
"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!
What's the difference between ...What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Find number abc
Ponderings Collection 12
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Vatican musicThe Vatican is releasing a new CD that features Pope John Paul II reciting prayers while rapping to rock music.
I think the new Pope is taking this thing a bit too far because today he announced he's having a feud with the West Coast rappers!
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"
q: What do you get when you c...q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?
A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.
Signs Of Christmas
Toy ... Signs Of Christmas
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
Really g...Really good ways to loose your job:
Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.
Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps.
Start a mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.
Hide kippers under your boss's desk.
Dirty protest the toilet walls with a bisto solution.
Call the boss to your desk and tell him his work isnÂ’t up to scratch.
Next time someone asks you if ...Next time someone asks you if they can "sneak by you," ask them how the hell they plan to do that when you know they are going by.
Tell them that next time they should not warn you, and maybe, just maybe, they could sneak by.
All CategoriesQ: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.