Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 October 2008

The Conductor

A little ...

The Conductor

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.  After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.  Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, “what is it with the bananas?”

“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies the man. “I'm just a bad conductor.”

Some More Funny Jokes

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/02/funny-fairy-tale-2007/

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/01/skim-milk/

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/01/its-gettin-so-you-cant-eat-anything/

One sunny day a rabbit came ou...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was r

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesi
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2...

Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2004 Campaign

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!

Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!

George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There

George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency

Don't think. Vote Bush!

More Trees, Less Bush

It Takes a Village Idiot

One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)

Bring Back Monica Lewinsky

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve...

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As 'Keeper of the Garden' Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, 'I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!'

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL]...

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

What do you call 50 politician...

What do you call 50 politicians buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement.

Internet Can Get Worse

Top ten ways the Internet could get worse

10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.

8. Home shopping "network".

7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.

6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

3. Gameboy web browsers.

2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:

1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

Sharing on the train

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤

Edited by yisman

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

What do you call a woman with ...

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?