Making God Laugh
You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
Three desperately ill men met ...Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
A blonde joke
A blonde joke
An Irishman, an Aussie and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Aussie opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Steak again! If I get steak one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, strasburg again! If I get a strasburg sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Aussie opened his lunch, saw steak and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the strasburg and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Aussie's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him ham & cheese! I didn't realise he hated steak so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch.
How many men does it take to c...How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows -- has it ever happened?
Passing An Exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Calculate the number 1998
Famous Last WordsQ: What are the famous last words of a redneck?
A: "Hey ya'll... Watch this!"
A little ... The Conductor
A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.Â After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.
Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.
They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.Â Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, “what is it with the bananas?”
“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies the man. “I'm just a bad conductor.”
Some More Funny Jokes
What do you call a woman with ...What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Sean Edwards, Leith
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