JOKES OF THE DAY

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, “Have I already been here this evening?"

SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS

1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)

5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)

6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)

8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

17. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

"Who is it?," she cried.

"It's the blind man.," was the answer.

Says the nun, "Well, come on in and tell me your troubles."

In comes the man.

"Wow!" he says, "Where should I hang the blinds?"

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.

Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don’t jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”

As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah, and it’s supposed to FLY too!”

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