JOKES OF THE DAY

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

who was nailing down siding would reach into

his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss

it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,

figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out

of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw

it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed

toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and

yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward

you aren't defective! They're for the other side

of the house!"

The Frog & the Bank Manager

A dog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his nameplate that the teller is called Patrick Whack.

"Mr Whack, I'd like to get a \$30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Paddy looks at the dog in disbelief and asks his name.

The dog says his name is Rover Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Paddy explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The dog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the bank manager and he disappears into a back office.

He finds the manager and says, "There's a dog called Rover Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow \$30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

He then holds up the tiny pink elephant and says to the manager. "I mean, what in the world is this?

The bank manager looks back at him and says,

"It's a knickknack, Paddy Whack. Give the dog the loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

Mumbled, 'Oh, puh-leeeez!' 295 times during the movie 'The Net.'

Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

Their video dating profile lists 'public-key encryption' among turn-ons.

Instead of the 'Welcome' voice on AOL, you overhear, 'Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.'

You hear them murmur, 'Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor 'I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!'

I had just cut in front of this guy when he yelled "You …….! If I were a cop I'd give you a ticket!"

I yelled back "You Idiot, if you were a cop I wouldn't be driving like this!"

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

Jokes

Quotes

Sayings