Little Johnny asked his father...Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Two quick ones...
Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
Doctor, doctor, I keep stealin...Doctor, doctor, I keep stealing things.
SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find >out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.
Jack: How long can a person li...Jack: How long can a person live without brains? Jill: I don't know, just how old are you?
Mommy Mommy 07
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Find the missing text [S*B*T***]
Phone LineA young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
Arthur is 90 years old. HeR...Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That's it,” he tells his wife. “I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That's no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don't remember.”
REJECTI...REJECTION LETTER RESPONSE TEMPLATE
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful
consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your
refusal to offer me [job title].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of
the company that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your
rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment] with your firm
immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I
look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
A little boy walks up to the p...A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."
The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"
The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."