This woman comes home to visit...This woman comes home to visit her mother. The mother can see that there's something on the girl's mind.
"what is it dear? asks the old lady.
"A billionaire has asked me to marry him" replies the girl.
"But that's wonderful news, any girl would be over the moon!" exclaims the mother.
"Yes but the only problem is, that this guy will only have sex anally - I don't know what to do?"
"I see" says the mother, "that's different, you must make up your own mind."
Eventually, the girl does decide to marry the billionaire and a year later she's standing again in her mother's kitchen. Although the kitchen is in a much bigger house and both women are draped in the finest clothes and jewels.
"what is it dear?" asks the old lady.
"I've decided to divorce my husband" says the girl.
"Whatever for?" asks the old lady in astonishment.
"It's the sex. Put it this way, when I married him my asshole was the size of a penny, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"
"I can't beleive what I'm hearing!" exclaims the mother "Your husband has bought you six houses, two boats and all the clothes you'd ever want - and now you want to quibble over 99 cents!"
THE BEST RESIGNATION LET...
THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at XXXXXX* Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Boss*,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.
One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
* Names changed from original)
When I was at school, I was as...When I was at school, I was as smart as the next fellow. Too bad the next fellow was such an idiot.
Advice From Lawyers
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Calculate the number 4514
Mexican SmugglerJuan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
Arthur is 90 years old. HeR...Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That's it,” he tells his wife. “I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That's no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don't remember.”
Another...Another Lesson in Managment
A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.
A duck walks into a store and ...A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food.
"Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food."
"Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.
The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks.
"I told you -- only dog food and cat food."
The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.
Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food.
The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section."
The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?
Next day the duck shows up again.
"What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly.
"Um, got any nails?" the duck says.
"No, no nails."
"Okay, got any duck food?"