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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, Oct the 21st 2008
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Rabbi and Priest |
| A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Definition - Intelligent Blonde |
| Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A: A golden retreiver! |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 3.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Lightbulb Joke Collection 19 |
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
| Doctor, doctor, my wife keeps thinking she's invisible. I'm sorry, sir, but I can't see her right now. |
Permalink | Source : Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
Rating: 7.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
Simple one liners are the best?
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences..... He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have an Arts Degree; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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Permalink | Source : http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
Rating: 5.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
When did this first happen?
Next Tuesday.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 8.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Never tell your age... |
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied.
"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form. |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 2.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
The inveterate horseplayer paused before taking his place at the betting window, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker.
"Blessed Lord," he murmured with mountain-moving sincerity, "I know You dont approve of my gambling, but just this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
| A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?" Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!" He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?" He repeats. "Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me." He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?" The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO. "Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need." |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 4.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
| Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
Jokes
Quotes
Sayings |
Permalink | Source : Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
Rating: 8.0/10 (4 votes cast) |
How to get noticed at your new work place:
Ask people what sex they are when you meet them for the first time.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your waste bin on your desk and label it "IN".
Email the rest of the company with hourly updates. eg. "I'll be in the toilet for 5 minutes."
Skip everywhere, never walk.
Always address people by the wrong names.
Put mosquito netting around your work area.
Spend lunch in the car park pointing a hair dryer at passing cars.
Never use punctuation.
Tell your new boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do".
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Permalink | Source : Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
Rating: 5.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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