Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 November 2008
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An American woman of 40 wants ...

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Signs of the times...

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

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Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (12)

What do you call a monkey that...

What do you call a monkey that sits on a stick of dynamite?
A baboom!

Mrs CR Smith, Assynt Bank, Penicuik
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 43 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

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Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

When Not to Shout

<...

When Not to Shout

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it! 's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

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Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Wife: Did you notice how sweet...

Wife: Did you notice how sweet our neighbor is to his wife? He kisses her all the time. Why don't you do that? Husband: I would love to. But I don't know her that well.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Oh The Internet Is Slow


The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,

But on campus, it's so delightful,

Our packets have nowhere to go,

Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.


It doesn't show signs of stopping,

All our packets, our hosts are dropping;

Bandwidth is turned way down low,

Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.


When we finally connect to a site,

It's time to go back to the dorm;

But if I could stay here all night,

I could submit their Web form.


The network is slowly dying,

And, I fear, we're still denying,

But as long as Sprint is the way to go,

Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.





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Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Find number abc

If c7c44 - c4ca7 = b017 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

"The 50th Anniversary"

"The 50th Anniversary"

An elderly couple decide to

celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their

honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in

the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next

morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the

nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty

years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which

he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging

in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

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Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

The Bottom Line

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

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Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

Famous Jokes

A Dinner Blessing…..

Ed, was a strictly a ‘meat-and-potatoes' man. Over the years, he's learned to like more foods, but there are still two vegetables he won't eat. His family likes to tease him about it.

One year at a holiday gathering, Ed got the last laugh when he gave this cute tongue-in-cheek blessing: Now we sit to eat what's here; we pray no green stuff will appear. No Brussels sprouts or any such
and asparagus, Lord, would be too much. But give us meat that's white or red and potatoes, corn and lots of bread. Some good brown gravy wouldn't hurt and to top it off, some pie for dessert.

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Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Ten rea...

Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:

1 It reduces complaints about low pay.

2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.

4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.

5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.

6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.

7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.

9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.

10 It leads to more honest communications.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 August 2008
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

A hurricane came unexpectedly....

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5 star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of the material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from he palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into a forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 July 2008
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