"Cheney now says he can..."Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work." -- Jay Leno
Things to do in an elevator...When people get on, ask for their tickets.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, 'Hi Mike. How's your day been?'
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say 'that's mine!'
Push your floor button with your nose.
Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.
A french fry walks into a bar ...A french fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey, could I get a sandwich please?"
The bartender looked at him, shook his head, and said: "No, we don't serve food here."
More Corny Pick-up Lines...
More Corny Pick-up Lines
So... How am I doing?
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?
I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Excuse me, Ms, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
If you cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Is your dad a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Hi, my name is
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
Pull my finger.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
The first time is always the hardest.
Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You know what would look good on you? Me.
Know what a zebra is? Well, it...Know what a zebra is? Well, it's 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Answering Machine Message 129
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Can you name the athletes by the picture?
Redneck quickies 1You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame
A Child's PrayerOne night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
A manager brings a dog ...A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.Â He plays all the
standards.Â He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.Â The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother.Â She wants him to be a doctor.”
At a recent computer expo (COM...At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty- five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And, would you like to see the following:
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
- The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
- If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.