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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 December 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 25 December 2008

The new recruit had just arriv...

The new recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert. He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation.

The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You'll see."

The young man was puzzled. "Well, you've got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman."

"You'll see," the corporal repeated.

That afternoon, three hundred camel were herded into the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They all leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels.

The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm. "I see what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must be three hundred of those camels and only a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?"

"What?!?" exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"
#joke
Joke
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

One on EVERY corner!

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.

"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

#joke
Joke
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #16 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The Drink Scam

L...

The Drink Scam

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Fortune cookie saying #45: Yie...

Fortune cookie saying #45: Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

What did Mr and Mrs Snowman pu...

What did Mr and Mrs Snowman put over their baby's cot?
A snowmobile.

Mark Wilson, Joppa
Share your jokes with us by e-mailing letters_ en@edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 32 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat down, and thought about it for a long while, and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed, and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!!"

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, my wish is that I could understand women...know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment or walk away...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie replied and said, "Sir, do you want that bridge to Hawaii with two lanes or four"???!!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 September 2008
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (11)

Another...

Another Lesson in Managment

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 August 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

The Dog And Neutron


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."





#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 August 2008
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Drunk driver?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.

'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

#joke #policeman
Joke
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Some people have

Some people have ah ha! moments. Not me. I have… Ahh Shit! moments.

#joke #short
Joke
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Wet joke

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled.
"I'm so wet, give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

#joke #short
Joke
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

Skipping Days

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
#joke #blonde #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Charged For Speeding

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!

Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!

Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!

Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.

Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!

A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.

A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!

Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?

Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.

#joke
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

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