JOKES OF THE DAY

"I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."

The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,

"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient says, "Yes."

The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"

A Drunk's Logic

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she picked up:

a litre of low fat milk,

a dozen eggs,

a litre of orange juice,

a lettuce,

a 250 g pack of coffee,

and 500 grams of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the cash register, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the cash register and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"

Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge \$20 for sex.

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is \$25."

The manager says,
“That’s his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”