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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Seen in ...

Seen in real CVs:

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"Interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

"The eight Saddam body do...

"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.

"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'

"And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"
#joke
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #103 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A husband returns home one nig...

A husband returns home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. "What are you doing?" he shouts. The wife turns to her lover and says, "I told you he was stupid!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 7.14/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (7)

What kind of tree fits in your...

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree

Brian Phelps, Craiglockhart
If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

Intimate Cellmates

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 September 2008
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (8)

Nun Sees A Naked Man

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

#joke
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (49)

At the mall

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworth’s manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

#joke #blonde
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (42)

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

#joke
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

A blonde walks into a doctor...

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."
#joke #short #blonde #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.43/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (23)

Dangerous food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

#joke
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A woman was having a daytime a...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining," he replied.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

The magician and the parrot...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

#joke
  • Currently 7.55/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (11)

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