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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 10 January 2009

A woman walks into her Gynecol...

A woman walks into her Gynecologist and the doctor says "Miss why do you have "F" on your stomach"?

The woman replies: "I went to bed last night with Fred and refused to take off his belt".

A couple of weeks later, she goes to her Gynecologist again and the doctor says: "Miss why do you have "C" imprinted on your stomach"?

The woman replies: "I went to bed with Chris last night and he refused to take his belt off".

A couple of months pass, the woman goes to her Gynecologist again, and this time the woman has "F and C" imprinted on her stomach.

The doctor says: "Miss now I know you didn't go to bed with Fred and Chris last night".

And the woman replies: "No, I went to bed last night with the Fire Chief and he refused to take off his helmet".
#joke #doctor
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

What has two humps at the Nort...

What has two humps at the North Pole?
A lost camel

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #47 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (43)

Ten rea...

Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:

1 It reduces complaints about low pay.

2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.

4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.

5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.

6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.

7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.

9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.

10 It leads to more honest communications.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 August 2008
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

A CEO of a large company is se...

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?" He repeats.

"Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 June 2008
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

Body building Program

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Toucan happens

“Toucan happens when one can't.”

#joke #short #pun
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

The other day I held...

“The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (29)

The Single Guy...

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."

#joke
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (15)

Sandpaper

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.

"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.

Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.

Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.

A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

A man lost both ears in an acc...

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: " Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

Two long-time golfing buddies...

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

A lawyer walks into a bar. He...

A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?"
#joke #lawyer #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Sandpaper

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.

"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.

Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.

Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.

A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

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