Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 January 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 12 January 2009 |
Four Catholic ladies are havin...
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God".
Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.
If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.
If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Answering Machine Messages
Nun of Your Business
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”- Speeding Ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Also Found on http://www.moc-pages.com 'Jokes and Puns #3' Conversation of i Brick group, posted by King Jaspin on September 26, 2015
Two Irishmen robbed a bank
Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"Ten million pounds!"
"Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
"I bought a house. How about your sack?"
"Bah... it was full of bills."
"And what did you do with them?"
"Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..."
From the Walmart Shopping Files
From the Walmart Shopping Files Counting Her Own Eggs
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A policeman sees a little girl...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it." The best 2018 Oscars jokes
“Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home”
Gary Oldman paid tribute to his 98-year-old mother in his acceptance speech for best actor, telling her: “Thank you for your love and your support. Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home.”
Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani, were joking about being actors with unpronouncable names. Nanjiani explained that his real name was Chris Pine. “You can imagine how annoyed I was when the white Chris Pine showed up,” he said.
Let's not have THAT again this year
"This year when you hear your name called, don't get up right away. Give us a minute, we don't want another thing. What happened last year was unfortunate.""
"The Shape of Water"
"We will remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish."
Get a clue Hollywood
"Here's how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called 'What Women Want' and it starred Mel Gibson. That's all you need to know."Not all about the money "In fact, of the nine best picture nominees only two made more than $100 million. But that's not the point. We don't make films like 'Call Me By Your Name' for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence."
Bill & Moe
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
Chess Day jokes
International Chess Day is celebrated on 20 July. Check out some funny Chess jokes!
Patient: Doctor whenever I cough it sounds like this 'pawn, bishop, queen.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection.
I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway.
When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate."
Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess.
Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1.
A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!"
Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop.
How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle.
Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render.
Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They’re part of a bored game.
Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt.
Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves.
When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."
I hate it when people
I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?”, and i'm like : “No, not at all, we shit in the yard .” Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory
And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"
But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.