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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 15 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 15 January 2009

EAGER T...

EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."


#joke
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (7)

What a rip-off. I went into ou...

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
#joke
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #44 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Why is a mouse similar to hay ...

Why is a mouse similar to hay ?
Because the cattle eat it.

John Thorburn, Liberton
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (4)

A supermodel is going to Paris...

A supermodel is going to Paris on a plane. How can you steal her window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to Paris are all in the middle row.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

godfather

What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (11)

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

I want you to be the first to send you this Happy New Year g Answering Machine Messages

Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.

If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.

If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)

Answering Machine Messages

#joke #newyear
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 3.62/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (13)

A doctor in a teaching hospita...

A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.
“This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Designated Drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

#joke
  • Currently 7.80/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (5)

Man of The House

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

#joke
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Lesson in logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

#joke
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (15)

Goddess of wisdom

Is the goddess of wisdom against all we stand for?
Yes, she’s an athena.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Grocery store worker...

“Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

Happy Friday with new jokes

My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was being transparent.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

If A is for apple and B is for Banana, what’s C for?
Plastic explosives

My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
She left me penne-less.

#joke #friday #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!   

#joke
  • Currently 8.68/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (65)

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"     

#joke
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

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