Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 28 January 2009
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (159)

Q: Why do blo...

Q: Why do blonds have bruised belly buttons?
A: Because they have blond boyfriends.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

Men Jokes

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (4)

Plaster of Parish

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (25)

I've sure gotten old!
I'v...

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 2.88/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (8)

It seems that despite the adve...

It seems that despite the advertisements in the paper, stores don't want you to do our Christmas shopping too early.

A local store just arrested a fellow for shopping about two hours before the store opened.

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

The following questions and an...

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the American President
someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)A:
The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Decrypt hidden message

Can you decrypt hidden message (Z KVIHLM DSL MVEVI NZWV Z NRHGZPV MVEVI GIRVW ZMBGSRMT MVD)?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Accountant And Farmer


A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

The eagle and the stud...

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (10)

Where do sick horses go?
Where do sick horses go?

The horsepital
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

How many supermodels does it t...

How many supermodels does it take to screw in a light bulb? One -- she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

Need light

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

A college business professor c...

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

Jokes Archive

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