Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 January 2009

Q: What did t...

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Wealthy Palestine

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Two snowmen are standing in a ...

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

My memory's not as sharp as it...

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be

4 Weeks

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

A woman awakes during the nigh...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

You know that you are living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this list.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

A supermodel finds a mirror co...

A supermodel finds a mirror compact, looks inside, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." A second supermodel takes a look too, and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

You got the warning

Finding one of her students making faces at

others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to

gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher

said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told

if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and

I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,

you can't say you weren't warned."

Mental Institution Pop Quiz

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.
Jon is called into the doctors office first. The doctor says, Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?
Jon says, Id be half blind.
Thats correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?
Id be completely blind. The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jons way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?
Dan says, Id be half blind.
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, What would happen if I cut off both your ears?
Id be completely blind.
Dan, how can you explain that youd be blind? asks the doctor.
Well, replies Dan, my hat would fall over my eyes.

A husband says to his to frien...

A husband says to his to friend: "My wife wasn't happy with the bag and belt I gave her for her birthday – but at least the vacuum cleaner works better."

Gary and Martin were standing...

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Shoot!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Sheng Wang: Man With a Comb Over

If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips.

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse...

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

A couple is trying to have a b...

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"