Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 February 2009

Two soldiers were having a cha...

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. The first soldier asked the second, "Why did you join the army?" The second soldier replied, "I didn't have a wife and I loved war -- so I joined. Why did you join the army?"
To which the first soldier answered, "I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined."

One Line Zingers

• If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?


• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.


• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.


• "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”


• Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”


• "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

"A Horse goes into a bar and t...

"A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says,
""Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"" "

Know how to prevent sagging? <...

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

An old man and old woman had b...

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

At A Grocery Store

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

This is fun.....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Did you hear about the dude wh...

Did you hear about the dude who just bought an AM radio? It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Playboy special

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, Where is Jesus today?
Steven raises his hand and says, Hes in Heaven.
Mary answers, Hes in my heart.
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, Hes in our bathroom!
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
Well, Little Johnny says, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!

A husband says to his to frien...

A husband says to his to friend: "My wife wasn't happy with the bag and belt I gave her for her birthday – but at least the vacuum cleaner works better."

Kids Tough Question

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!

Going to Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

8 new jokes for Happy Friday

1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.

2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants

5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.

6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.

7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."

8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants

5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.

6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.

7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."

8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

If You Were my Husba

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''