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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day for Thursday, Feb the 5th 2009
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War Boarder |
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic.
Well, answers the priest, thats not a sin.
But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed.
I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.
Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question.
What is that, my son?
Do I have to tell him the war is over? |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Mixing Politics and Religion |
| The last time politics was mixed with religion, people were
burned at the stake. |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 7.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Poem Of English |
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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| Why did the dude tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. |
Permalink | Source : Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Son of a lawyer... |
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam. |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 7.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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The Buddhist Computer Addict
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Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.0/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Canoe |
| A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe. |
Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
Q: What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
Rating: 6.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag." |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (6 votes cast) |
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
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Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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