Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 February 2009

Q: Mommy, Mom...

Q: Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!
A: Shut up and empty the glass before it clots!

Now You Know

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

A man goes into a bar with his...

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!

The telephone rings in the pri...

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice. "I hope
it is alright."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who
is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"

What Do You Get When ...

What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinto...

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No, thanks. Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse".

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead. Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Celebrating An Event

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

How does a flower ride a bike?...

How does a flower ride a bike?

"What did you get for your bir...

"What did you get for your birthday?" "A harmonica -- it's the best present I ever got!" "Why?" "My Dad pays me fifty a week not to play it."

Parents

What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?

Parents.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

A blonde goes to an office party and wins...

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos. The blonde asks a co-worker, What does it do? He says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice cream and tea.

Do not annoy me this week

Do not annoy me this week, because if you do… I'll give your number to all the kids and tell them it's santa's hotline.

Irritated with everything

Irritated with everything: Have you ever been in one of those moods where you don't really know what's wrong but you feel irritated with everyone and everything?

Love and beer

I love you.

Is it you or the beer talking?

It’s me. Talking to my beer.

Funny Metal Sign sold on Amazon