Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 March 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 09 March 2009 |
Two happily married 60 year ol...
Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a Jeanie came out. The Jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.Hesaid to the Jeanie,” I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.
What is the STRONGEST letter i...
What is the STRONGEST letter in the alphabet?PÂ… Even Superman CanÂ’t Hold It!!
Useful
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!Too Little, Too Late
A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.â€
So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attaching a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, “You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!â€
Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?â€
"Oh, about two minutes ago.â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Boss: Your job is to dig a hol...
Boss: Your job is to dig a hole in this road. Worker: But what will I do with all the earth I dig up? Boss: Simple. Just dig another hole and bury the dirt in it.You Might Be A Redneck If 23
You might be a redneck if...
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
up, comedians, funny videos, d...
up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumbWhat do you call a woman who s...
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?Lawyers Brains
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
Man walks into the Doctors off...
Man walks into the Doctors office."I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live"
"Ten" replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"
In case of emergency...
In case of emergency pull poster off wall end tear along dotted lines. The One Big Halloween Scare
I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween.
My wife: Which is?
Me: Exactly!
Harold and Al were on a small...
Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack."Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."