Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Bankers do it risk-free.
Ba...

Bankers do it risk-free.
Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.
Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.
Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal.

Q: Did you kn...

Q: Did you know that President Clinton is in some more trouble?


A: Yeah, Monica coughed up a little more evidence.

Tech Support: "Do you have any...

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside!"

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

The Horney Rooster

...

The Horney Rooster

A farmer looses his prize stud rooster just when he needs his hens fertilized most for some new chicks. He looks all over the county for a new stud rooster and finally finds one about to be killed at the slaughter house.

The butcher says, "No you don't want this one he's too horny."

The farmer says, "Perfect I'll take him." He turns the rooster loose in the hen house and hears nothing but squawking hens all day. He's eating supper and hears the ducks starting to quack loudly on the pond. He's getting ready for bed and hears the cows bellowing in the barn.

The next morning he wakes up to the sound of the pigs squealing. So he locks his wife and daughter in the house so the rooster won't get them, walks outside and finds the rooster laying exhausted and dehydrated in the driveway with buzzards circling overhead.

He walks to the rooster and says, "Gol-dang it rooster if you'd have paced yourself, you could have had the run of this place for years" The rooster looks at him with one eye cocked open, points to the buzzards and whispers, "Shhhhhh. They're about ready to land, Shhh.”

MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES

...

MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus # 1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus # 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Jane Fonda Virus: attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Snobbish man to art gallery at...

Snobbish man to art gallery attendant: I suppose this hideous monstrosity is what passes for modern art these days. Attendant: No, sir, that's just a mirror.

The Biology Song 02

To the tune of "Send in the Clowns"
So this is it,
A few bases to go,
I've tried and I've tried but the techniques's so slow.
I've poured my gels,
I've run quite a few.
Full of bubbles, they leaked and why I never knew.
But where are the clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
Is my broth rich?
Does it look clear?
Contamination is something I always fear.
Are my plaques blue?
They shouldnt be,
No DNA left I'm down on my knees,
So give me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've had bad preps,
There've been quite a few,
Ive tried all brands of PEG, fresh buffers, but nothing would do.
And though they say,
Solutions will keep,
In my hands they last no more than a week.
So send me some clones?
I've got to have clones,
The end is so near.
I've read my gels,
My eyes are quite sore,
There's still sequence missing, of this I am sure.
But there it is!!
Finally done.
I've conquered this fragment and now I have won.
Whats's this I hear?
A voice from the door.
My supervisor wants 10kb more!
So give me some clones,
I've got to have clones,
Or I'll be here all year!
Bill Kalionis

Single,huh?

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
--------------------
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout girl looks at him, smiles, and says, 'Single,huh?'

The guy smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?'

She says, 'Because you're ugly.'

Waiter! This coffee tastes lik...

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Female astronauts

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

How Do You Like That?

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, Im not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mothers womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

A fisherman returned to shore...

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

Overcrowded Church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

The medics rushed Mr. Steinber...

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"