I pulled up to the drive-thru ...I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
Q: What is th...Q: What is the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Japanese GolfA Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.
What's the difference between ...What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
- You can chop beef, but you can't pea soup!
Splitting the Offering
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God.
The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church."
The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church."
The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""
A blonde was late for work so ...A blonde was late for work so she hopped in her car, popped it in reverse and quickly rolled out of the driveway.
She wasn't looking and she hit another car. And the man in the car jumped out all furious yelling at the blonde.
"OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE! I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DRIVE AGAIN!" Said that Man. "NOW YOU STAND ON THIS MAN-HOLE AND DONT MOVE UNTIL I TELL YOU!" He exclaimed.
SO she did and he went over to her car and started beating the crap out of it.
He was kicking dents in it and just going off and the girl started to laugh.
He looked over and she stopped and then he went to his car and grabbed a bat. He started bashing all the windows in and putting even bigger dents in the car.
The girl started laughing even harder this time. He looked over again and she stopped.
By now the man was pissed so he got some gas and put it all over the car and lit it up. The whole car bursted into flames and blew up.
By now the girl was on the ground busting up laughing. So the man goes over and says:
"What the hell is so funny?"
The girl replies with:
"I stepped off the man-hole 3 times and you didn't even see me!"
Remove 3 letters from this seq...
Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump ...Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump up and down on the bed like that if I were you. Junior: Well, how would you jump on the bed then, Mom?
School Collection 28
Father: How were the exam questions?
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
An A road and a B road were ha...An A road and a B road were having a drink in a bar, when a 3ft piece of Tarmac came in.
Chicken or the egg?Which came first?
The chicken or the egg?
Neither... The rooster came first.