Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 April 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 11 April 2009 |
Facts of life...
Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gr...
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Q: When do yo...
Q: When do you go on red and stop on green?A: When you eat a watermelon.
Housework
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.Church Bulletin Bloopers
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Two elderly men Sam and Arthur...
Two elderly men Sam and Arthur, avid bridge players get some bad news Arthur is dying. Sam says to Arthur, please Arthur when you get to heaven somehow send me a message and let me know if there's any bridge up there. Arthur says he'll try.Arthur passes away and a week goes by, not a word. Then suddenly Sam gets the call. "Sam" Arthur says, there's good news and bad news. The good news is there's a duplicate on Tuesday, the bad news is you're playing.
A young lady came home from a ...
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.""Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Mom: Young lady, what happened...
Mom: Young lady, what happened to you? Daughter: I fell into a big puddle, Mom. Mom: In your new dress? Daughter: Well, I didn't have time to change.Answering Machine Message 257
I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...
A man is recovering from surge...
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling."What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
Lucky Driver
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asks.
The man responds, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
His wife says, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, Are we over the border yet?
Skydiving
Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.
Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"
Jim Gaffigan: Bottled Water
How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.