Jokes of the day for Friday, 17 April 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 17 April 2009
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (85)

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, t...

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

Q: What does ...

Q: What does an opossum and the Nebraska football team have in common?
A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

A dentist a nurse and a army g...

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."
#joke
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (60)

A man runs into the vet's offi...

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.

The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

CINEMANIA: Guess the movie title

See negative of movie scene and guess the title. Length of words in solution: 2,8,3,5
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Three Englishmen were in a bar...

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

Visitor: So, young man, is thi...

Visitor: So, young man, is this your brother? Little boy: Yes, sir. Visitor: He's very small, isn't he? Little boy: Well, he's only my half-brother.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Funny Quotes From Gore


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore


"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93


"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore


"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore


"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Probing questions....

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe it, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?

Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

I Want Some Milk

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

Ron White: Wake-Up Call

I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, Mr. White, its past 7:00. No, the next one. You got another one coming around, dont you? Why dont you just put me on that one? I hear theyre running two a day through New York City.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

TV star Jonathan Ross has been...

TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.
The controversial chat show host told police it was a whisk he had to take.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (9)

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