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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day for Saturday, Apr the 18th 2009
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Ron White: Walking on the Beach |
| If youre ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 7.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Funny Quotes From Gore |
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
| Visitor: So, young man, is this your brother? Little boy: Yes, sir. Visitor: He's very small, isn't he? Little boy: Well, he's only my half-brother. |
Permalink | Source : Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
Rating: 4.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Would you watch my car ? |
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway." |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
How the Grinch Stole Marriage
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss.)
Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!
The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.
"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!
"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"
"All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.
Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.
Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."
It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."
And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!
And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!
The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."
The Moral of the Story...
The moral of this story is that we don't need a piece of paper and the approval of the state to get married. We can just get married. Instead of having a committment ceremony, we can have a wedding. Instead of partners, we can have husbands and wives. Instead of calling our relationship a Domestic Partnership or a Civil Union, we can call it a Marriage.
Whether any government recognizes it is separate from what we call it. It's a free country and we can call ourselves what we like. In 5 or 10 or 20 years, with plenty of visible same-sex married couples, the world won't see us as strange or scary, we're just the married couple down the street that happens to be gay. Eventually, the legal recognization of our marriages will follow.
If we allow ourselves to voluntarily sit in the back of the bus, we'll never make any progress. Rosa Parks had to sit in the front of the bus to make a difference. We must as well.
Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton.
Permission granted to copy in whole, with attribution.
This is a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 7.6/10 (5 votes cast) |
Three doctors die in a car accident and they are at heavens door.
The gatekeeper asks the doctors, "What did you do that you should merit an entrance?"
The first doctor replies, "I developed a heart valve which saved hundred of lives."
The second doctor replies, "I developed a universal vaccine that wipe out many diseases."
The gatekeeper steps aside and lets the two doctors pass. "Go right in," he says.
The third doctor replies, "I invented the HMO's.
To which the gatekeeper responds, "You can go in, but you can only stay for three days!" |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 3.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Real Church Signs
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Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
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Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 4.0/10 (6 votes cast) |
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British Hospitality |
| An American tourist in London
decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout. |
Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 5.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Q: What does an opossum and the Nebraska football team have in common?
A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 2.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
Someone saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, "So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll - Tootsie Pop?"
Without a thought, the blonde replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper."
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Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 7.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
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