ATTORNEY: So the date of con...ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
Save My WifeStanding at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
Why do basketballs and fo...
Why do basketballs and footballs have goosebumps, but not baseballs?
Baseball is played in the summer.
Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samsonâ€™s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didnâ€™t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didnâ€™t want to split hairs.
A guy goes to pick up his date...A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
At that time, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks "great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally, the woman yells "Damn, Spot, get down before he shits on you."
Calculate the number 519
Q: Trooper, when you stopped t...Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Wife: Did you see your dentist...Wife: Did you see your dentist this morning? Husband: I did. Wife: Then why did I spot you with a pretty woman in the park? Husband: Yes, that's my dentist!
Finish Overseas Tour
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"
A trip to the dentist...
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!" she complained.
"This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."
The Lone RangerThe Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.
It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis