Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 April 2009

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call five dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls.

Proper Excercise While Pregnant

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

Two dumb fishermen decided to ...

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

The Jewish Atheist

On New York's Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it’s a great school and completely secular.After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, “By the way Dad, do you know what ‘Trinity’ means? It means the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.”
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, “Danny, I’m going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God. AND we don’t believe in Him!”

The Good, The Bad & The ...

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Alice is on holiday with her t...

Alice is on holiday with her two sisters, Mary and Joan and their husbands David and Peter.

One evening, after getting drunk on ladies drinks, Alice makes a confession: "Last night my husband asked me to swallow. Isn't that disgusting, who'd do such a thing?"

Mary and Joan look a little embarassed and then admit that they both swallow with their husbands.

"Oh my goodness!" Gasps Jane, "what does it taste like?"

Mary admits that David's tastes a bit too bitter. And Joan admits that Peter's is to sweet.

"But whatever you do," warn the sisters, "don't ever let your husband know you don't like the taste!"

Alice downs her drink and tells her sisters that she's going to find John, her husband, and try it out.

The next day, the sisters meet up and Alice looks really upset.

"What happened?" Asked Joan.

"John's dumped me." Wailed Alice. "I did everything you said, and after I swallowed I said, Oh John, that tastes lovely, not too bitter like David's or too sweet like Peter's!"

Mom: You've got your socks on ...

Mom: You've got your socks on inside out. Little boy: I know, Mom. They've got holes on the other side.

Producing A New Gum

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

The magical frog....

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

What do you get when you cross...

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mosquito?

Womens Hotel

Four beautiful ladies walked into a hotel to stay in for the night, the name of the hotel read, "Pleasure Giving Hotel For Women" The ladies were convinced and walked in.

On the first floor a sign read, 'the men on this floor are not good at having sex, but are very gentle and very tempting'.

The ladies were not satisfied and they walked to the second floor which a sign read, 'the men on this floor are good at having sex but are very rude and self-considerate'

The ladies were once again not satisfied and went on to the third floor where a sign said, 'There are nothing wrong with the men on this floor, they're good at having soft sex they are very nice, gentle and hot' the four ladies were tempted to go in but decided to go to the last floor to see what was in it.

When they got there they saw a sign that said, 'There is absolutaly no one on this floor, this floor was just made to show that there is no way to please a woman'

Duck Tales

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, Got any gwapes?, and the bartender replies, No, sorry I dont sell grapes here. So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, Got any gwapes? The bartender replies, No, sorry I dont sell grape here. The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, Got any gwapes? The bartender angrily replies, I dont want to have to tell you again, I dont sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar! The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, Got any nails? The bartender looks at him and screams, No, we dont have any nails! The duck then asks, Got any gwapes?

ATTORNEY: So the date of con...

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."