Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 May 2009

What type of prize did you win?

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?


A: Silicon Valley.

Getting Rid of the Bats

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."

Once, a gay man went to heaven...

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him.

Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Visiting Grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

Dane Cook: Hardwood Floors

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step youre like, Cheeeeater! Liar! Herpes, herpes, herpes!

What's brown and sounds like a...

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

38 Rock jokes to celebrate International Rock Day

International Rock Day, celebrated on July 13 every year, is all about paying tribute to rocks. Have some fun with jokes that Rock!

What do you call it when two carbons are in a relationship?
Carbon dating.

Why were the rock couple breaking up?
Because they took each other for granite.

Why did the rock couple break up?
Because they couldn't comet to each other.

My wife told me she is thinking about selling Egyptian rocks.
It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

What do you call a criminal rock?
Scum of the Earth.

Why did the rock decide to hit the gym?
Because he wanted to be bigger and boulder.

Where do the posh stones live?
Rockefeller Street!

Why did the rock sleep all day?
He was a bedrock.

How did the rock feel about going to jail?
He was petrified.

How did the rock feel when he got covered in algae?
He was lichen it.

You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

Why did the rock shower every morning?
He wanted to start with a clean slate.

What did the stone want to be when it grew up?
A rock star.

What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.

Why was the rock unprogressive?
Because it was stuck in the Stonehenge.

Why was the rock hesitant to start his work?
Because he was stuck in corundum.

What did the rock do when it rolled down the road?
It rock 'n' rolled.

How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs.

Who is a geologist’s favorite comedian?
Chris Rock.

What is a geologist’s favorite treat?
Rock candy.

Why did the rock take English lessons?
To help it talk boulder.

What did the rock order at the bar?
Soda on the rocks.

Did you hear about the drunk geologist?
He finally hit rock bottom.

Which rock group is made up of four men who can’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Why was the criminal rock acquitted?
Because his alibi was rock solid.

What is a geologist’s favorite type of music?
Hard rock.

Which magazine do rocks subscribe to?
The Rolling Stone.

Why didn’t the stone get back together with the rock?
He had too many faults.

What did Ariel say when she met the rock pool?
You have nice mussels.

Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

What is rock's favorite fruit?
A pome-granite.

Why do hipsters like rocks?
They’re underground.

Where do you take an injured rock?
To the Rocktor.

Why did the judge find the rock guilty?
The lawyers had concrete evidence.

How do stones get to outer space?
By rock-et.

What kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean?
Heavy rock.

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

What did the young rock say about failing his tests?
I don't want to talc about it.

The annoying crow

The annoying crow who wouldn't shut up lost its job. Why?
Well, there was just caws.

How retired folks stay happy and occupied

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a shit head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

The Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.