Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 May 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 May 2009 |
Bruce and Sheila have been see...
Bruce and Sheila have been seeing each other for a while and Sheila asks Bruce to meet her on the Sydney Harbour Bridge.Sheila: I've got something to tell you, Bruce…I'm preganant and if you don't marry me, I'm going to jump off this bridge into Sydney Harbour.
Bruce: That's what I like about you, Sheila. Not only are you a great shag but you're a good sport too.
Yo momma so stupid her latest ...
Yo momma so stupid her latest invention was a glass hammer.Four Animals
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"Bring What You Can Carry
Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him.
Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars.
Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."
St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."
Sex is like money:
When you...
Sex is like money:When you've got it, you don't think of it;
when you haven't any, you think of nothing else.
A little old lady called 911. ...
A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away!There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed!
"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?"
"Because, you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he'd be screwing somebody."
Living will....
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
If a crocodile makes shoes, wh...
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?Slippers
Closing Sermon Words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
New Yorkers and Light Bulbs
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. What are you -- stupid?
My kids love going to the...
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. Bad Pop Rocks
Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before.
Cassie bought each one a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Demetri Martin: Stutter
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense.