Deer CampThe guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
A junior manager, a senior man...A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They
rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be
in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. and he was
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. and
he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm ."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
Paybacks are a ... ...
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
A Frenchman who was leaving hi...A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt.
Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.
"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom.
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body."
"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"
"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
FLEX NERDLEGuess the NERDLE in 6 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
What's the difference between ...What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
Car CrashI was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police partol cars. The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces. I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?
AOL Support CallAOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online
before I join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get
something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I
don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go
to a chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to
be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead . . .
Caller: What are you wearing?
Dirtiest Thing on TelevisionQ: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
A: Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.
My kids love going to the...My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
The younger we are, the more w...The younger we are, the more we want to change the world. The older we are, the more we want to change the young.
A Jewish guy walks int...
A Jewish guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey where'd you get that?" Parrot says, "In Brooklyn, they're everywhere."
In the Amazon rain fore...
In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out looking puzzled and asked, "There ain't no thorn in that there woman's foot."
Farm Jokes 07
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
In a hog cabin!
What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
Why do pigs never recover from illness?
Because you have to kill them before you cure them!
What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog!
What do you call sheep that live together?
What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cowculator!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
What's a cows favorite vegetable?
sisterMay a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson