JOKES OF THE DAY

Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's

try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,

light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah

together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not

important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get

get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha

B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva

Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast"

lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same

in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No

personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism

of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who

will accept my independence, although you probably will not.

Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,

Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks

non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my

behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English

very good.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish

male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart

to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.

Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,

please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,

self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,

skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen

desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and

krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, I'm looking for my car keys. Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too.

After a time he asked, "Are you sure you lost them here?"

"Of course not" replied the theoretician. "But at least there's light here."

Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."

The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"

"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."