Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 June 2009

A blonde's car gets a flat tyr...

A blonde's car gets a flat tyre on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies

Q: How can yo...

Q: How can you tell when a woman is about to say something intelligent?


A: She starts out with, "A man once said...."

How She Got the Raise

A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.

The Angel and the Statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer. You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment. They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.
Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh yes!" the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL dump on its head."

Little Johnny was in church, g...

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Cute little vase...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Scary Collection 44

A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!

A ghost joke
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!

A vampire joke
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!

A vampire joke
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!

A witch joke
What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

Latex Gloves

A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box.
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
Thats not all, says the doctor. You dont even want to know how they make their condoms!

Why did the turkey cross the r...

Why did the turkey cross the road?

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Man's wife asks him to go to t...

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with he

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

Before going to Europe on busi...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Mommy Mommy 13

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

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Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

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Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

---

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"